WHO KEEPS EATING THE CAKE?, HOW DO WE FLY?, AND OTHER IMPORTANT DETECTIVE WORK
I'm a title? No...You listen here:
I'm not a paragraph, nothing is easy, and I ate your rainbows. If dreams die, it's because you suck at dreaming. If you were dreaming just now, I'm sorry that I'm not sorry for waking you. I have a lot to say, and much time to say it in, because time is a lie. Don't be a liar, son. Lie rhymes with die, and if you're familiar with the Goonies, never say die. Did I just say it twice now? I guess I'm out of the club. I've said too much, and if you have gained nothing- then you have recieved the greatest gift of all. Cheers!
About
Call me Captain Jon, maybe?
I am more fun than you can shake a stick, or a few tiny infant pieces at. I am just that amazing. Legendary....That's the stuff Ol' Jonni here is made of. I am also one crack-o-jack person; you can bet your bottom dollar on that one! Last but not least, I am the inventor of Awesomesauce! What's that, you say? Throughout the endless gamut of trials and tribulations which you've had to run, you may have felt that something was missing. As gallon upon gallon of suffering was poured upon thy head, surely the thought crosseth'd thy mind that thy cup hath'd indeed runneth plentifully over? Face it, my peon, truly thy life hath'd been a sad tale of failure and loss, so great that no bard darest to sing such bittersweet sorrow. But I assureth thee this: There are no other white, suburban adolescents who have felt pain anywhere near as acute. Bearing all this in mind, don't you believe that you should have something more? Just as I thought, so take some of my homemade awesomesauce right now, brother (or indeed sister) and get back to cutting a rug, or sugar from your diet- whatever tickles your fancy. I think I've taught you all something today. You'll thank me later.
Oh, and here are some Unicorns...
I
“Purple mountains are the best. They say, “Hey, look at me. I’m majestic and such. Watch me touch the sky!” All the other mountains ever did was crush peoples’ dreams by being ugly and unclimbable. So now you’re left with two options…unfortunately, I have a short attention spa…”
II
Due to the lack of Gobi Jerboa moving through my blood stream into my brain, I often suffer from hallucinations such as hearing ice cream sing and telepathically feeling its fear. Cockroaches form communities underneath our houses, and, yes, they've heard you talking!
III
Have you ever wondered who taught your mother that mean face and pointy finger thing? She learned how to do it from her mother, who learned how to do it from her mother, who learned that a boat and a decahedron don't have parents and need to be taught some manners.
WHAT YOU WANT, WHAT YOU NEED
IT'S WHAT I'M HERE TO DO
Ask me things, tell me things, don't leave me in the dark without a flashlight.