I Respect Your Choice
"Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them." - P.J. O'Rourke
Oh boy, and isn't that the truth? It always seems as though it's the very same people who have never completely cared for, raised, taught, mentored, etc. a child, or children, in any capacity are always talking about how to raise children, and what works, and what doesn't, and what they think should be done. And I'm not saying, "You don't have kids, you don't have the right to speak!", because that isn't always the case, and that's not really a good, sound point. However, here's the kicker. There is no perfect way to parent, and when you don't have kids and you go around telling people how they should do things, don't be surpised when people who have/are raising kids turn their "Shenanigan Detector" on. You're on the outside looking in and suddenly you know everything about parenting? Let's be honest here. And while you don't have to be a parent to spot bad parenting, it's not always as simple as playing a game of "Bad Parent/Good Parent"
If it takes a village to raise a child, village fail!
"You wanna go where everybody knows you're to blame!" - Hit TV Show, "Tears"
Breeding win!
That baby stew though...
These are obvious, in real life, not so much. So we could all learn to stop acting like we know the best way to raise everyones' children. And I'm saying this to everyone; both those who have children and those who don't. There is no perfect parent, there are no perfect people, and so mistakes will be made. Stop assuming, people! I find it funny that even after ages and ages of human life we still love assuming.
...so with that being said, I'mma talk about spanking yo kids 'Murrca!
Let's get some things out of the way. I don't think spanking is lazy parenting, I also don't think spanking is the only way to discipline children, I will probably spank my kids (not all the time, not for everything, and hopefully I do a great job of teaching my kids so I never have to spank my kids). I don't think the act of spanking ruins children, nor do I think spanking produces perfect children. I don't think people should have to fear someone calling CPS because they spank their kids. If you don't want to spank your kids- don't, but on the other side of the token, you can't bring other peoples' lives into your problem with spanking. Everybody comes from a different place, and has to deal with things the best way they know how. And I'm talking non- neglectful parents who happen to spank their kids from time to time. I hope that was good enough.
Spanking always seems to blow up into huge thing when it's talked about, and then is labeled as lazy parenting, barbaric, outdated, etc. "Lazy parenting." If you want my opinion, lazy parenting is making everything be a parent to your children except for you; the parent. When you let Big Bird and Barney do all the teaching for your children in place of what you should be doing, that's lazy parenting. Neglecting your children, that's lazy parenting. Treating your children like they are your best friends and not your children, that's lazy parenting. Now I'm not saying that spanking can't be lazy parenting, because anything can be lazy parenting, but when the topic of spanking is brought up as "it hurts", "the children won't view you as being friendly", that's where I draw the line. As a parent, my concern isn't to be their friend when they're growing up, that comes later. I hope my children and I have moments of friendship, but that's not what I'm gunning for. Parent first, friend second.
And yes, I got spanked as child. And you know what? I'm glad I did! My parents made it a point to show me why I was getting spanked, and by six-seven, it wasn't like I didn't know why I was being punished in the first place. I learned many a lesson from being spanked, even if it was only because the stimulus stayed with me. I'm not saying spanking should be "go to" punishment, but I do know for certain that it beats (pun intended) a lot of alternatives I seen in my time of child caregiving. And since a lot of my work revolves around training kids and working with parents, I can tell you, about 80% of the time, which kids get spanked and which kids don't. I can also attest to never hearing parents say "If only I timed out my kids more...", but I have met many parents who wished they disciplined more, because maybe things with their children would be different then they are now; better than they are now (as a possibility).
The three laziest parenting styles to me would be, "They're just kids" whenever a child does something wrong, "Go to time out!", and "Bribing/ I respect your choice." Judging by the title, you can probably tell which one I think is the laziest (besides the most obvious). And believe me, this is what I do on a pretty consistent daily schedule. I've heard it all. A child gets in trouble consistently to the point where we have to call parents: "I don't care, my parents are only going to put me in time out!"- and this 7-8 year olds and over. They brag about their parents not doing anything to punish them. Not saying this the case with every child, but here's an example I've witnessed quite a bit. Why don't they care about time outs or being sent to their rooms? Because they have their computers, T.V.s, game systems, everything they like, etc. Can you really call that a punishment?
It's pretty obvious that "They're just kids" isn't helpful, so I don't have to go into that one. But Bribing is just as bad. I've seen parents trying to make their kids do the right thing by offering them toys, and candy, whatever they like. Have you ever seen that backfire? I have! And believe me, it wasn't surprising. Do you really think your child is going to want to do the right thing without recieving a treat, when you've been priming them for the exact opposite?
But by far the worst to me is when parents put everything on their kids and then say "I respect your choice!", instead of punishing their children. You respect their choice? That child is 10 years old! When I was 10, I wanted to wear my pajamas all the time, eat cake for breakfast, watch cartoons instead of doing homework, and other things that were not productive. I'm glad I had my parents and people that were around to put some sense into me, who didn't respect my choices because they understood that a 10 year old doesn't have all the answers, doesn't have everything figured out, and shouldn't be running their parents' lives. If there was a parenting style that people should be getting bent out of shape about it should be something like this.
The only time I would ever get bent out of shape about a spanking would be if I saw that it was life threatening. And I don't mean it hurt a child's feelings, so now let's get up in arms about it. To tell the truth, I do prefer children who get spankings. On average, they know not to cause trouble, because they know where it will lead when a report comes back to their parents. On average, they aren't the children running around, doing whatever they like, having no respect for authority. I've witnessed all of these things multiple times over. So, if anyone reading this wants to get upset, go ahead. This is an account of my experiences. And I've already said it's not always the case. But it is the case more often than not. But there's worse things than spanking your kids.
So, again, this isn't a "spank your kids" message, this isn't me detailing how parenting should be, just my assessment on what I've witnessed. I don't think spanking is for everyone, I 100% agree that child abuse is horrible, I don't think every case of spanking is child abuse, I realize that parenting is going to look differently to other people, that there is no "one style" of parenting that is superior, and I also know not to assume that I know what is the best parenting style for any given situation, just because it's a style that I didn't like when I was growing up. I hated getting spankings, but I learned that it didn't happen because my parents were crazed with spanking fever, or they loved to do it, and it really helped me learn quickly, that I didn't want to be spanked again. lol But as a parent, you shouldn't feel that your parenting style is lazy, unless you're taking a laissez-faire approach to the extreme, as I detailed, because ( and widely so, from my experience) people without kids think you parenting the way you do is lazy. Everybody has to deal with everything the best way they can. As long as you making sure that you're not harming your kids and you're raising them to know that they are truly loved, and making good decisions that they can see and learn from, that is all that should matter.
Just my thoughts on this whole thing from my personal accounts. And as always, you can leave your thoughts in the comments.
Make good decisions, love one another!
