What'chu Tryin' to Simon?

Here's a little song I wrote, you might want to sing it note for note: Simon Cowell is my spirit animal! Or at least he should be. Ok, I wish he could possibily consider thinking about probably becoming my spirit animal. Let's face it, it ain't easy being a no nonsense, narcissistic, negativity 'nducin' (I had to get creative with that one) ne'er-do-well, but Simon Cowell makes it looks flyer than an airplane wearing sunglasses in the middle of space. "How?" you ask. "Simon Cowell is just a big mean jerkface who crushes peoples' dreams!". "Simon Cowell? More like Simon Cowbell!" These things are very true (obviously for television purposes) indeed; very true, but at the same time, I have to consider his position. He's doing a job that he's been paid to do. He is playing a part. Now, whether he goes above and beyond what is expected of him in his approach, we might never know. All I know is it is hilarious to watch what goes down when he gets to critiquing. So hold on to your pants, Sas Spurilla! Here are my six reasons Simon Cowell's attitude should be in us, even if only a little bit, and why the Simon Piemon would be a "supa fresh" spirit animal (unless you can choose Batman, of course). Let's get to it!!

1. Who Lied To You?

I honestly can't be mad at Simon more than 93.72% of the time. While he can be crude, sometimes it's needed. I understand that in our culture, more times than not, it's the popular thing to mollycoddle everyone, have the "everyone wins" attitude, be overly sensitive about everything, and up in arms everytime you're offended, or when the truth hurts, but that's one of the things I like about Simon. He tells it like it is. I don't know if you've seen many American Idol auditions, but, boy, a lot of people have been lied to. A LOT! I can't even begin to count the number of times I've heard, "People told me I'm a good singer, dancer, etc." on these types of shows, with all that bragging and delusional cockiness resulting the most horrendous audition ever. I honestly would like to know why people are lying to you, and even better, why are you believing the lie? There has to come a point when we wake up and realize roses smell....nuff said. And Simon is good at that. Now I'm not saying become a total jerk and ruin peoples' dreams (again, not that this is Simon's true character), but stop worrying about hurting people (in the casual sense). I've seen a lot of people make horrible decisions because they simply don't know when to stop, look at a situation, and deal with it- whether it be because someone will get hurt, it makes them look unpopular, whatever the reason. If people in your life are that fragile, to the point where you can't correct them, make them realize that some changes need to be made, challenge them- then it only means they never had character deserving of such respect in the first place. Sometimes to get people moving in the right direction, to realize their other talents, to see how they can improve further, to challenge them more than they thought possible, you will need to put on the Simon Cowell face. What is the Simon Cowell face? Here you go!

2. That Creativity Doe

If there's one thing I like about Simon, it's his creativity. He's clearly mastered the simile.

And sometimes that is all you need. I wonder if he writes these down or dreams them up, with all the horrible auditions he's had to "suffer" through. That might explain why he's always ready with it when comes time to drop the hammer. While Simon's creativity goes down some dark, dark places, it's still creativity at its core. And that's something which should be embraced. Nobody ever wants to be the harsh voice beckoning people back towards reality (Although quite a bit of people seem to enjoy it moreso than others), but switching up your approaches, expanding your creativity when trying to reach others can, oftentimes, be the move that will anchor your audience in. And it goes far beyond critiquing. Creativity can help you with anything. And I do mean anything. Trust me, I'm somewhat of a master of pulling rabbits out my hat. Always try to find that angle in your work that will make people see the picture you're presenting. Thanks Simon Cowell!

3. GOD SAVE THE QUEEN! (Become an Englishman)

Oh, yes, England! The land where people are most famous for wearing a suit and tie, a top hat and a monocle, along with an oversized, overly busshy, curly moustache and severely gnarly, crooked looking teeth- an attire which is pursued totally regardless of the occasion, and there are many occasions. This fashion has been popular since the late 1600's, and it's speculated as one of the reasons Jack the Ripper was so hard to catch. I kid the British. But Simon Cowell takes it seriously. Not really sure where I was going with this point, but if you have a British accent, it makes everything better! You can say the most mundane sentences and make them sound like summer shower of sunshine on a peculiar day, in which you were chuffed to bits. Pip-pip, cheerio! Anyone remember that "Villains" Jaguar commercial? Well you should.

Simon Cowell is not in this video, but he could be, and that's what matters. Everyone loves accents. With an accent, you can go ANYWHERE!! Ok, maybe not. Look, I wasn't trying to be politically correct. But an accent is like a powerful voice. You know what makes Simon Cowell so domineering? He speaks boldly, honestly, and with conviction. What have you done lately? Hide behind a computer? His words hit hardest because they are powerful. People hate him because he's a jerk, yes, but also because he's adamant. You don't have to agree with his methods, but you can't deny he carries himself powerfully. Something we should all do a little more in our everyday lives. No one can ride your back unless it's bent. If you start carrying yourself more powerfully, you'll see how much of a difference it can make.

4. Tearing You Down... To Build You Up

Instead of viewing Simon Cowell as a pompous jerk who has no heart, view Simon Cowell as a pompous jerk who has no heart...for watching people go through life being someone's joke- by making them a joke on national television. Never said he was perfect, I only said he had some good qualities. But sometimes, in order for something better to grow, we have to burn what was formerly growing down. Shut it down hard. Yeah, the process might be ugly, but it's the ending of journey that is better than the beginning- and that's the prize to look forward to. Simon Cowell may be tearing people apart for a living because he enjoys it, but on the other hand, he may do it so people either get better, realize their potential, or understand that "this thing ain't for you, Boo Boo!"

Sometimes we get so caught so caught up in the parts of what people say that rub us the wrong way that we forget or miss the real lesson. STOP doing that! You're only stunting your growth. If you try to block out everything you don't like in your life, you're never going to get anywhere. I don't know if you've noticed, but there's never a shortage of Murphy. By Murphy, I of course mean "Murphy's Law"- things are always going to happen, good, bad, and, ugly. You can't control them all, so you have to choose- Will you let everything get you and slow you down, stunt your growth, or will you let everything happen, take what lesson is to be learned from those moments, and then "Let It Go! Let It Goooooooooooooooooo!!!!!" Good Guy Simon FTW

5. If I Only Had A Heart!

Well, I know it's a shocker, but Simon has a heart.

Is Simon Cowell's television persona still a jerk? Yeah! Absolutely! But he's a jerk with a heart. He's vicious, but he knows when the real deal is sitting in front of him. And that's the way it should be. Don't settle for anything less than what you know is either your best, or other peoples' best. Some tough lessons, yes, but good ones. We could learn a thing or two from Simon Cowell.

6. Oh Yeah!

Let's face it, game recognizes game. So the next time you're faced with a situation, it might not be too farfetched a thing to think about what Simon Cowell would do. He's a pretty smart guy after all. Whether you love him, or love to hate him, you still love him! So take home some parting words from Simon Cowell: